English Today

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 
            And finally the all time classic:

 
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

 
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

The Elixir of Life - Modals of Deduction

In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.
   ‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’
   A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.
   There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’
   ‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’
   ‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’
   ‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend. So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’
   ‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’

Grammar: modal verbs of deduction

When you make logical deductions and draw conclusions from evidence you can use these forms. The choice of verb communicates how certain or uncertain you are about your guesses.

I’m sure it’s true.	I’m not sure.	I’m sure it’s impossible.
It must be true.	It might be true.	It can’t be true.
It has to be true.	It may be true.
It’s got to be true.	It could be true.

Note that the opposite of It must be… is It can’t be…, [not It mustn’t be…]

Complete these sentences with must be, might be or can’t be.

1.   A: Is Dave at work at the moment?
       B: No, he _________ at work today. He never works on Sundays.

2.  A: Do you think there is anyone inside that apartment?
       B: Yes, there _________. There are a lot of lights on.

3.  A: Where’s Kathy?
       B: I really don’t know, but she _________ at the dentist's.

4.  A: Look at that woman! Do you think she’s a model?
       B: I’m not sure. She _________ a model, a singer or an actor. I’ve no idea.

5.  A: I passed all my exams!
       B: You _________ very pleased with yourself!

6.  A: You know that Henry is in Mexico today.
       B: That’s impossible! He_________! I saw him in his office five minutes ago.

7.  A: I can’t work out this number here. Your handwriting is really bad!
       B: I know. It  _________  a five or an eight, but  I can’t really tell.

8.  A: Have you seen how many sport prizes Karl has?
       B: Yes. He _________ a real athlete.

Vocabulary exercises

Match the broken sentences.

1.   The delicious smell of homemade…	A.   place in the centre of the city
2.   I bought this watch from a market…	B.   stall last week
3.   The doctor said it was nothing but old…	C.   opportunity and you’ll be sorry later.
4.   If you don’t buy it now it will be a missed…	D.   bread filled the house.
5.   The bank is near the market….	E.   age so there was nothing he could do.

 

There’s one mistake in each of these expressions. Find it and correct it.

6.    You’ve got to be kid.
7.    Don’t miss your change.
8.    You’ve got the honest face.
9.    Say me the truth.
10. That’s ridiculous completely.

 

Choose the correct preposition to complete these sentences.

11.   Will took some papers from his briefcase and handed them by / out / at to everyone round the table.
12.   The farmer decided to set up / off / in a stall to sell his produce directly to the public.
13.   If you want to see some magic, gather off / in / round and be amazed!
14.   Sam went down / at / up to the girl at the bar and asked her out.
15.   My brother works by / for / of a large computer software company in the city.

Source : esl jokes.net

 

ANSWER KEY

Complete these sentences with must be, might be or can’t be.

1.   A: Is Dave at work at the moment?
       B: No, he __can't be_______ at work today. He never works on Sundays.

2.  A: Do you think there is anyone inside that apartment?
       B: Yes, there ___must be______. There are a lot of lights on.

3.  A: Where’s Kathy?
       B: I really don’t know, but she __might be_______ at the dentist's.

4.  A: Look at that woman! Do you think she’s a model?
       B: I’m not sure. She __might be_______ a model, a singer or an actor. I’ve no idea.

5.  A: I passed all my exams!
       B: You _must be________ very pleased with yourself!

6.  A: You know that Henry is in Mexico today.
       B: That’s impossible! He___can't be______! I saw him in his office five minutes ago.

7.  A: I can’t work out this number here. Your handwriting is really bad!
       B: I know. It  _  might be________  a five or an eight, but  I can’t really tell.

8.  A: Have you seen how many sport prizes Karl has?
       B: Yes. He ___must be______ a real athlete.

Vocabulary exercises

Match the broken sentences.

1.   The delicious smell of homemade…(D)	A.   place in the centre of the city
2.   I bought this watch from a market…(B)	B.   stall last week
3.   The doctor said it was nothing but old…(E)	C.   opportunity and you’ll be sorry later.
4.   If you don’t buy it now it will be a missed…(C)	D.   bread filled the house.
5.   The bank is near the market….(A)	E.   age so there was nothing he could do.

 

There’s one mistake in each of these expressions. Find it and correct it.

6.    You’ve got to be kid. kidding
7.    Don’t miss your change. chance
8.    You’ve got the honest face. an honest face
9.    Say me the truth. Tell me the truth
10. That’s ridiculous completely. That's completely ridiculous!

 

Choose the correct preposition to complete these sentences.

11.   Will took some papers from his briefcase and handed them by / out / at to everyone round the table.
12.   The farmer decided to set up / off / in /  a stall to sell his produce directly to the public.
13.   If you want to see some magic, gather off / in / round and be amazed!
14.   Sam went down / at / up to the girl at the bar and asked her out.
15.   My brother works by / for / of a large computer software company in the city.

 

Word Games

I know that most of you have been working hard lately for your English exams - FCE, IGCSE, IELTS - so I thought I'd give you a break from grammar and vocabulary, listening , reading and writing by suggesting some English word games. While you are having fun, you can also improve your vocabulary. And good luck to all those of you who are taking the FCE today.

Photo Credit

A. Words within Words

This is a very common game. The aim is to make as many words as possible from one single word. You can only use the letters from that word and use each letter only once in the new word. For example, from the word STRANGER you can make the following new words:

strange, range, great, grate, grant, anger, stag, gnat, seat, stage, rage, etc

How many words can you make from the following words?

EXAMINATION / UNIVERSAL / INSTITUTION

B. Anagrams

An anagram uses all the letters of a word and rearranges them to make another word.

Example:

READ = DARE, DEPART = PARTED

Anagrams are often used as clues in crosswords. Can you work out from the clues what these anagrams are?

LEAP - not very dark

MELONS - feeling rather serious and subdued

PRAISED - hopelessness

CARTHORSE - a number of people making music

EXCITATION - to make someone drunk

C. Rebus

A rebus uses words, numbers, symbols or pictures to represent words or syllables.

Example:

T42 = tea for two

Can you work out the following?

IOU

B4

NE1

NME

2 good 2B4 gotten

YYUR YYUB ICUR YY4me

Download WORD-GAMES-ANSWERS

 

The Light Bulb

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

The Ninth Letter of the Alphabet

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

The same student said years later : " I were a teenage drop-out and now I are a millionaire!"

drop-out = someone who leaves school before finishing it

Jokes....

joke (noun): something said to make somebody laugh; a trick played on somebody for fun

to joke (verb): to make jokes; to be not serious

PHRASES

to tell a joke= to tell someone a funny story

to be no joke= to be a difficult or serious matter/ to seriously mean what you say

to be beyond a joke= to be worrying

Boy:    My mother and father are in the steel and iron business.
Friend:    Really?
Boy:    Yes, my father steals, and my mother irons.

Why can't a man living in Paris be buried in the South of France?

Because he's still living!

Say Cheese!

Question : What cheese is made backwards?

Answer: Edam!

Time and Space

Definition of Time: Time is what allows two objects to occupy the same space.

Definition of Space: Space is what allows two objects to exist at the same time.

The Power of Punctuation!

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The Longest Word.....

Question : What is the longest word in the English language?

Answer: "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!