Anastasia

Scotland vs England

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !

SOURCE

A penny saved is a penny gained.
Scottish Proverb

Brits vs Americans - Just for Fun!

I've just stumbled upon these jokes which had me in stitches and thought I'd share them with you. Naturally, it's all in good fun!

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
    "Multilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
    "Bilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
    "An American".

 

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

 

 The hostess at a British historical site was trying to arrange tours for the visitors, so that they could hear the tour in their respective languages. "Auf Deutsch, hier", she called out, and "Français ici". As the tourists separated into groups, one man was left in the middle. She walked over to him and asked, "Do you speak English?".

    The man responded with a bemused look, "Well, ma'am, I've been in your country three weeks, and I'm not sure anymore, so I'll let you decide. I'm an American."

 Three recently deceased persons, a Brit, a Russian, and an American, are making their way down to Hell. Each is carrying something with him: The Brit is carrying a shovel, the Russian is carrying an extra pair of shoes, and the American is carrying some cans of liquid. As they trudge along, the American asks his comrades why they're carrying the things they are.

    The Brit responds, "Well, sir, I know the Devil keeps it awfully hot in Hell, and he makes blokes like us shovel coal to keep it that way. I was always fond of this particular shovel when I worked in the mines back home, so I brought it along for the job."

    The Russian responds, "Like our comrade says, it's awfully hot in Hell. These shoes have thick soles that protected me from the ice and snow of Siberia, and I'm hoping that they can save my feet from the hot ground on which we'll be toiling for eternity."

    The American puts down his cans and says in disbelief, "If it's as hot in Hell as you fellows say, then do you mean I'm not going to be able to get ice for my Coca-Cola?"

TypePad is Shutting Down

This is what I got in my mail yesterday and, I must admit, I was quite alarmed.

After almost eight years of severe financial problems, TypePad has finally decided to shut down its blogging website on May 1, 2012. TypePad Pro users now have until April 30, 2012 to move all their blogs and profile information to Blogger, if they wish. However, TypePad is not going to do this for you.

 This is what you can do:

 

 

• Log into your TypePad profile.

• Save and download to your computer  anything  you have on your TypePad profile that you want to keep.
• Go to Blogger and upload your photos and other information. Then make your new Blogger profile look how you want it to look.
• Move your TypePad blog(s). If you have anything on your TypePad blogs that you don't want to lose don't forget about it. Blogger will help you through.
• Save information from your TypePad profile, RSS feeds, tags, or your custom theme. These items will not be supported by Blogger, but if you have use for them somewhere else, you'll need to save them yourself.
• Change your privacy settings. TypePad will be setting all your privacy settings to "Private". If you want to utilize the social networking aspect of your new Blogger profile, you'll need to go and change your privacy settings first.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!!!!  

Password Selection Rules

Photo Credit

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

via ahajokes.com

A Sense of Humour

A sense of humour may take various forms and laughter may be anything from a refined tinkle to an earthquaking roar, but the effect is always the same. Humour helps us to maintain a correct sense of values. It is the one quality which political fanatics appear to lack. If we can see the funny side, we never make the mistake of taking ourselves too seriously. We are always reminded that tragedy is not really far removed from comedy, so we never get a lop-sided view of things.

This is one of the chief functions of satire and irony. Human pain and suffering are so grim; we hover so often on the brink of war; political realities are usually enough to plunge us into total despair. In such circumstances, cartoons and satirical accounts of sombre political events redress the balance. They take the wind out of pompous and arrogant politicians who have lost their sense of proportion. They enable us to see that many of our most profound actions are merely comic or absurd. We laugh when a great satirist like Swift writes about war in "Gulliver's Travels". The Lilliputians and their neighbours attack each other  because they can't agree which end to break an egg. We laugh because we are meant to laugh; but we are meant to weep , too.

The sense of humour must be singled out as man's most important quality because it is associated with laughter. And laughter, in turn , is associated with happiness. Courage, determination, initiative - these are qualities we share with other forms of life. But the sense of humour is uniquely human. If happiness is one of the great goals of life, then it is the sense of humour that provides the key

Example:

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Old is when.....

Old is when...

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

An Englishman, an Irishman and ..a Scotsman!

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded."Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies."Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

Το Γράμμα

Ο πεζικάριος Κώστας µια µέρα ενώ ήταν σκοπιά στην πύλη, παίρνει ένα γράµµα από τον ταχυδρόµο. Με χαρά αναγνωρίζει στον φάκελο τον γραφικό χαρακτήρα της κοπέλας του Ιωάννας.. Γεµάτος χαρά ανοίγει το φάκελο, διαßάζει και το χαµόγελό του παγώνει..(είναι πολύ εύκολο έτσι και αλλιώς να σου παγώσει το χαµόγελο εκεί πάνω όταν έχει -10).. Και διαßάζει: "Αγαπηµένε µου Κώστα, Είµαστε µαζί 3 χρόνια. Και το ξέρεις πόσο σε αγαπώ. Δεν µπορώ να αντέξω όµως το ότι είσαι µακριά µου. Για αυτό πήρα την απόφαση να χωρίσουµε. Έτσι κι αλλιώς, σε µερικές στιγµές αδυναµίας, σε απάτησα. Συγχώρεσέ µε, αλλά έτσι είναι καλύτερα και για τους δυο µας... Σε παρακαλώ να µου στείλεις όποιες φωτογραφίες µου έχεις Γεια Ιωάννα" Μέχρι να τελειώσει η σκοπιά, ο Κώστας έχει καπνίσει 17 1/2 πακέτα prince και έχει ρίξει το κλάµα της ζωής του. Τελειώνοντας τη σκοπιά του, και προσπαθώντας να ηρεµήσει, πάει στο θάλαµο, και φωνάζει όλες τις σειρές .Τους ζητάει να του δώσουν όσες φωτογραφίες µπορούν, από γκόµενες, αδερφές, θείες, µανάδες, γιαγιάδες, ξαδέρφες και πάει λέγοντας. Μαζεύει καµιά 80αριά φωτογραφίες και τις ßάζει σε ένα φάκελο. Μετά πάει στο κρεßάτι του και γράφει το εξής γράµµα: "Αγαπητή Ιωάννα, Επειδή δεν µπορώ να θυµηθώ ποια ακριßώς είσαι, σε παρακαλώ, διάλεξε την δικιά σου φωτογραφία και στείλε τις υπόλοιπες πίσω. Κώστας "