Anastasia

Brits vs Americans - Just for Fun!

I've just stumbled upon these jokes which had me in stitches and thought I'd share them with you. Naturally, it's all in good fun!

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
    "Multilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
    "Bilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks one language?
    "An American".

 

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

 

 The hostess at a British historical site was trying to arrange tours for the visitors, so that they could hear the tour in their respective languages. "Auf Deutsch, hier", she called out, and "Français ici". As the tourists separated into groups, one man was left in the middle. She walked over to him and asked, "Do you speak English?".

    The man responded with a bemused look, "Well, ma'am, I've been in your country three weeks, and I'm not sure anymore, so I'll let you decide. I'm an American."

 Three recently deceased persons, a Brit, a Russian, and an American, are making their way down to Hell. Each is carrying something with him: The Brit is carrying a shovel, the Russian is carrying an extra pair of shoes, and the American is carrying some cans of liquid. As they trudge along, the American asks his comrades why they're carrying the things they are.

    The Brit responds, "Well, sir, I know the Devil keeps it awfully hot in Hell, and he makes blokes like us shovel coal to keep it that way. I was always fond of this particular shovel when I worked in the mines back home, so I brought it along for the job."

    The Russian responds, "Like our comrade says, it's awfully hot in Hell. These shoes have thick soles that protected me from the ice and snow of Siberia, and I'm hoping that they can save my feet from the hot ground on which we'll be toiling for eternity."

    The American puts down his cans and says in disbelief, "If it's as hot in Hell as you fellows say, then do you mean I'm not going to be able to get ice for my Coca-Cola?"

Clever Definitions for Familiar Words

This is what I got in my inbox yesterday and had such a good laugh that I thought I'd share it with you. It was sent to me by my friend Walid who I'd like to thank for brightening up my day.

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
 
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
 

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines

Cartoon of the Day

via www.cartoonstock.com

Password Selection Rules

Photo Credit

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

via ahajokes.com

How To Become a Famous Blogger And A Blogthing

Cartoon by Dave Walker

You Are Fantasy / Sci Fi

You have an amazing imagination, and in your mind, all things are possible. You are open minded, and you find the future exciting. You crave novelty and progress. Compared to most people, you are quirky and even a bit eccentric. You have some wacky ideas. And while you may be a bit off the wall, there's no denying how insightful and creative you are.

What Kind of Book Are You?

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Snoring Duck

via www.youtube.com

I had such a good laugh when I saw that although the snoring sounds rather weird, doesn't it? To me it sounds like an unhappy crying duck!

Thirteen Things Your Burglar Won't Tell You!

 

1. Of course, I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste ... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

 6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink-----and the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom......and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-------understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.

12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com.)

 

8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:

1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.

4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.

7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.

8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

 Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs crimedoctor.com; and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book "Burglars on the Job. "

 

From My Friend Faith

A Sense of Humour

A sense of humour may take various forms and laughter may be anything from a refined tinkle to an earthquaking roar, but the effect is always the same. Humour helps us to maintain a correct sense of values. It is the one quality which political fanatics appear to lack. If we can see the funny side, we never make the mistake of taking ourselves too seriously. We are always reminded that tragedy is not really far removed from comedy, so we never get a lop-sided view of things.

This is one of the chief functions of satire and irony. Human pain and suffering are so grim; we hover so often on the brink of war; political realities are usually enough to plunge us into total despair. In such circumstances, cartoons and satirical accounts of sombre political events redress the balance. They take the wind out of pompous and arrogant politicians who have lost their sense of proportion. They enable us to see that many of our most profound actions are merely comic or absurd. We laugh when a great satirist like Swift writes about war in "Gulliver's Travels". The Lilliputians and their neighbours attack each other  because they can't agree which end to break an egg. We laugh because we are meant to laugh; but we are meant to weep , too.

The sense of humour must be singled out as man's most important quality because it is associated with laughter. And laughter, in turn , is associated with happiness. Courage, determination, initiative - these are qualities we share with other forms of life. But the sense of humour is uniquely human. If happiness is one of the great goals of life, then it is the sense of humour that provides the key

Example:

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
Tell him that the drinks are on the house.

Sleeping on the Plane!

Due to my fear of flying, I never sleep on the plane! It seems that sleeping on the plane can really get you into trouble, after all!